Say Nothing
How this book came to be…
I feel like I should preface this post with the fact that there are no spoilers. I’ve done my best to not give too much away too soon.
Back in the spring of 2016, I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that my husband had cheated on me, and it was so vivid that when I woke up, I had to call him just to feel okay. The dream was so real I was haunted by it. So, on my first day of work at a new job, on my lunch break, I sat on my laptop and began writing. Somehow, I already knew the names of the characters, understood their personalities, and had a fully formed vision in my head.
The part I couldn’t figure out was my main character. While I knew she was afraid of being touched, reserved with her secrets, and the most eloquently beautiful woman my imagination had laid eyes on, I didn’t know what she was so terrified of. She continued to keep her secrets at the expense of her marriage, her friends, and her own life. It took until the ending chapters of that original draft for my character to tell me where it was she came from and the horrors that caused her to be so thoughtfully paranoid. When that happened, I realized I was telling the wrong story; mostly because her husband would never cheat on her. I see that first draft more as my character’s way of showing me her fears in the aftermath of her childhood if her past never caught up to her again.
After knowing which story I was supposed to write, I went for a deep dive into her childhood. There are times i fear the monsters that live in the shadows of my mind. I don’t know where my stories come from, only that I’m compelled to write them from the perspectives given to me by my characters. There were times I would feel very literally sick to my stomach as I witnessed the horrors in my imagination, cried heavy tears over losses I could never imagine, and sat there with the heaviness of someone who couldn’t even share it. If she told her secrets to anyone, they wouldn’t stay where she left them. Anyone of decency would feel the need to act, and anyone who didn’t understand the importance wouldn’t care about keeping her secrets. I think I struggled with keeping her secrets more than she did, but every time I would try to let it slip too early, the story didn’t work.
After realizing some of the bigger focal points of the book and why certain characters forced themselves to stand out more, that’s when I realized the last 15 drafts of the book weren’t it either. There was no way for only one person to tell this story. If I told it from only the perspective of the main character, I felt like everyone was going to have a nervous breakdown with her or scream and throw the book because her mind can be an infuriating place to be. She often feels just as infuriated. I needed a way for her past to be told without her telling it, then I needed someone who was just as stubborn as she was but ready to strap up their boots rather than cower in silence, and another to explain why anyone would go through such lengths for just one person.
Once I finally thought I had the book right, just two weeks before it was supposed to go to the beta readers, it still wasn’t right. I couldn’t expect such a hyper-vigilant person to sit by and take nothing into her own hands, letting others fight her battles. So, I re-wrote the last twenty-five chapters in just a week. It went to Beta readers, then my editor, and after my editor had spent two months with it, my wonderful and sometimes harsh husband told me the first five chapters were insufferable to get through… (insert long sigh) I cut up the first five chapters and had my editor re-edit. After that, I saw some middle pieces that needed a little sprucing. The transformations this book has gone through has left me with many unused pieces, some of which will be available on release day.
For me, this book is everything I love about writing. It shares the good and the ugly in ways that make my soul twist. Every character is so deep and real, different from others I’ve written, and it’s bittersweet to watch this book come out. The portion of the story I want to put out into the world is done, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be done writing on this one. I’m too attached to the characters, and there’s so much life before and after this part of their story.
Anyway, we’re only days away from the release now, and I hope everyone enjoys this book, its many messages, and keeps their eyes and hearts open for those who say nothing. Until next time.
~Happy reading Friends!
